Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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