are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
