Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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