I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
