I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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