There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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