I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize