I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize