The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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