This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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