Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
