You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
