I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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