I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
