literally had 100 drinks last night.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
