Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
