I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
How's work?
Spinning.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
