I can text with my tongue
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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