I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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