How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
