happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
