Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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