Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
