i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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