He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
