My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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