did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just found a bag of teeth...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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