Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
