Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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