Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
