A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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