dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
