Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
