Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
