I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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