i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
