I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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