Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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