Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think your dad took our porno
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
