like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
