I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
