My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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