I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize