My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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