I think my fart just growled at me.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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