Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
