I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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