What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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