my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
