I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
