I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
