woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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