i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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