It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize