I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
