I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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