I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
please don't ironically join a cult
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