Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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