If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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