I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
